Right now I'm going through some new directions, all of which I believe is by God's leading. It has involved me coming out to the mid-West without my family, while we await our house to sell and/or my wife to find gainful employment in this area. We orginally made the decision trusting that the Lord would provide these things soon after my move. We thought getting through the summer wouldn't be too difficult, and surely the Lord would have us back together soon enough, and if not, well, surely He'll give us the grace to make it through the separation.
But it's been a lot more difficult than we had thought - which, I guess on one hand is a good testimony that we are still very much in love after almost 15 years of marriage. I think the day-to-day challenges of raising our family while being apart has been tough - especially for her, having to manage three kids and a house that's recently gotten on the market. Speaking for myself, it's been tough not getting sucked down by things not coming together.
At times, I've wondered if we've made the best decisions - are we sure God called me to this school? Are we going about it correctly? What should we do if Sarah doesn't find a job? if the house doesn't sell by Christmas? These questions, and more, have bothered me.
But I've been plagued by something else this week.
A reading from one of last week's daily devotions spoke to me in ways that are still reverberating in my soul. The first chapter of James (1:2-7) reads,
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
I was thinking about the struggles of being away from my family, and I wondered, why don't I have joy in my heart? I want to have God's joy in my heart. Why is it that I feel anything but joy as I go through the struggles I'm experiencing? And I think the Lord spoke to me - not in any obvious voice, but in the midst of my own thoughts - that I was not considering my challenges pure joy. I was not focused on God and His glory. I was not focused on what God was trying to do in me and through me. I was not considering what God might be trying to do in my wife and in my kids. I was not thinking about each of our individual faith in God being stretched and strenghthened through what we've been waiting for.
And I want joy. I'm looking at my struggles as joy - whether it be only getting to see my wife and kids once a month, struggling to translate a German journal article, keeping up with all of the reading I have, or learning Biblical Hebrew - because I know that God is cultivating the fruit of His Spirit in me (see Galatians 5:22-23), and He's teaching me to trust Him with more and more of my life, with each of my kids, and with my wife.
And I need to do all of this day by day, one day at a time, not thinking about the next day, let alone the next week. Because I want to glorify God through this. And what I realize is that I need to remember that the God who is with me now is the God who was with me so many years ago, before the time, 23 years ago, when I first took Him as Savior and Lord, before I knew He was the lover of my soul, and remember that He was watching over me, protecting me, preparing my heart to receive Him at the right time, at the time that brought Him the most glory, and gave me new life in and through His Son, Jesus Christ.
And as I remember all that He has brought me through, I remember that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. This is life as I remember it.
