feeling down

I'm feeling down today. I just can't kick it. Maybe it's because the day started off cloudy. Maybe. Honestly, I think it's because I received a harsh email from one of my students this morning. It was one of those critical, run-on sentence filled, mean-spirited emails that makes you want to respond back, "double-damn you." But you don't. I didn't.

Some might ask, was the attack justified? were the charges true? Is that why it smarts so? The fact is that I've been having a back and forth discussion with this student. This student thinks I'm being stubborn and 'holier than thou.' The words hurt. Are they true? Well, I can be stubborn. You don't last in youth ministry long if your not stubborn in some way. Am I holier than thou? Let me put it this way. The only time I've been called that is when what I'm saying to someone is hitting them square in the heart, and they don't like it. As a youth pastor, you're called to seek God on behalf of your students, their families, your leaders, heck, everyone. But you're also called to speak prophetically sometimes, probably even more than I do. The point is, this student is self-destructing, won't accept it, and doesn't want to hear it. More over, this student wants to turn around and make this an issue about my personal problems. Hence the criticisms.

I feel down. But rather than scream back, I prayed as I emailed. Not consciously, but hoping that every letter and word that I typed would speak God's truth in love. I had to apologize for a couple of things, but I also said I wasn't going to take ownership of their problems. I feel down, because I hate when things get negative between myself and my students. But praise God, at least this student is still emailing me - for now!!!

It's a funny thing, you know. Here I was feeling down about myself, and suddenly, it's like heaven's flood gates opened up. First, I received a phone call from a parent who has worked with our ministry to youth and their families. He was to the point: "you're doing a great job. Remember, we aren't responsible for moving the rock. We're just responsible for showing up and faithfully pushing." The second was a phone call from a fellow youth minister, who was visiting this site, and aside from some ministry business to pass on, he wanted to thank me for my faithfulness to God in being at the same church for almost ten years. The third was a letter from one of my former students, who's at UCONN. She wanted to catch up, let me know what's going on with her. She wanted to just share that the year is off to a good start, and her faith is alive and well. She said she feels comfortable and well equiped, "which I think is really due to [youth group] and you. Thank you so much for giving me that environment."

I'm still struggling with the earlier email. But I praise God, because He heard my heart's cry, and in ways that He knew I would understand, He sent me word that He thinks I'm doing well. That's the kind of God that holds the world together, even when buildings collapse, cities flood, and nations war. That's the kind of God I want to give my life to, because He's the kind of God who has already given His life for me.