all that we've been waiting for

hard to believe that tomorrow is it ... the German Reading Exam.

I arrived in IL eight and one-half weeks ago and began the roller coaster ride of Theological German studies.

now it comes down to tomorrow, August 14.

a Thursday afternoon.

1 pm, CST.

my classmates and I have studied, we have prepared, we have done exercises, and we have prayed together and for one another and for all of our fellow German students.

a number of us have formed the new friendships that such a common and intense experience brings - new friendships that are necessary and required if one wants to survive not only the summer of German, but also the Ph.D. program in general.

Jake, Lance, middle Dave, Scott, Craig, and Neal and I have varying degrees of friendship, and we have shared jokes, family stories, past experiences of ministry and studies, and offered one another trust.

tomorrow several of us will meet before the exam for prayer - to calm ourselves, to bring focus, to offer petitions, pleas, and requests, to beg that somehow, in someway, the journal article excerpt that we are to translate will be easy enough, and that we will all do well enough in accuracy and amount that Herr Professor will be glad to recommend we pass.

this is it.

all that we've been waiting for.

may You, O LORD, our God, have mercy on us, and give us the grace to bring You glory, and for us to do well.

Amen.

The Beginning of the End

I'm sitting up in my monk's cell, back in IL after a whirl-wind trip back to Philly for a couple of weddings and a quick visit with my family. Both weddings involved former students of mine from NPC's youth group - the first I got to witness, and the second I was invited to give prayers as well as deliver the wedding homily. It was a real treat, and a great blessing to have been able to come home and see and participate in them both. And it was a real blessing to get to see my dearest bride and our kids.

But now we come to the end. Tomorrow marks the first day of the last week of this journey we call German. Our big translation projects are due tomorrow, and this coming Thursday, at 1 pm (CST) will mark the reason we've all gone through these past 8 plus weeks. Thursday's Reading Exam will show us how much we know, and how much we are desperately in need of knowing. I know there are many reasons why the Lord directed me to come out to Trinity for the summer, but I can't help feeling to some degree that if I don't pass this test, my summer away from my family will have been for naught. At the same time, I know that can do all things through Christ who gives me strength - in fact, I can fail this test through Christ who gives me strength - - - This is to say that if I don't pass, God will still give me His grace. In all honesty, however, I'd like to pass the Reading Exam.

And so I pray this prayer for myself and my brothers and sisters in Christ who have been working toward this great work ...

Almighty and Triune God, who gave humanity the gift of speech and the mind
to understand it, I thank You for all that You have taught us and given us these
past eight weeks in and out of class.

Now we are at the end of our time together studying the German language,
and we are in no less need of Your grace and your gifting.

For three things, I ask; for three things, I pray, that You would fill each
of us with Your peace, Your confidence, and Your competence.

May our attitudes and efforts bring You glory; may our comprehension and
translating show Your Spirit at work in us, both in our efforts and Yours.

And it is for Your glory I pray - be glorified in us, O LORD; be glorified in us.

LORD, in Your mercy, hear our prayers. In the name of Your Son, Jesus, whom with You and the Holy Spirit, be lifted up and glorified, now and forever. Amen.

feeling down

There are times when I wonder what is going on in my life. I wonder where God is - how He can feel real one day, and utterly fictional the next. I wonder why one day I feel so down in the dumps, but after some time in prayer, I feel restored; but the next, when I go to pray, it feels like my prayers are like arrows stuck in the ceiling, and I still feel heavy and weighed down.

This is one of those nights - it's actually now the middle of the night, officially - and while I'm finally beginning to feel tired for bed, I'm wrestling with heavy pain in my heart. It's all sorts of crazy stuff - the pain of distance between me and my beloved family, strain from the distance, fallout with extended family, fear and anxiety, German Reading exam, and just a general burden of failure (or at least fear thereof).

What the freakin' heck ... I want to cry, I want to cry out to God - where are You?

This is the life of someone who is trying to be honest about his relationship with, his faith in the God whom he solidly, unequivocally believes created him and called him. This is the life of a guy who struggles with sin like everyone else, and who constantly wrestles with fear of failure, who wants to quit most times, but is probably more afraid of what quitting might mean - isn't that ironic? don't you think?

So I'm going to pray what might be the strangest prayer I've ever written out, but hey, who cares; after all, God has big shoulders ... do you? Can you handle it? Or are you able to join me in prayer?

Oh God, you are my God,
Even though I can't hear You, see You, taste or smell You,
I still cry out to You.

I have no other hope in this life,
But Christ who has redeemed me from death to life,
I still cry out to You.

I feel alone, very alone,
And it feels like You just leave me alone, very alone,
I still cry out to You.

I'm feeling stuck in the muck and mire,
And I'm waiting for Your strong hand to lift me out,
I still cry out to You.

You are my fortress and my rock,
who else but You have the words of life,
I still cry out to You.

Even though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death,
You are with me, Your rod and Your staff comfort me,
I still cry out to You.

I need to hear from You,
But I'm double-minded, and I doubt You'll talk to me,
I still cry out to You.

I am sad, and my heart weighs heavy within me,
Oh Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.
I still cry out to You.

May the meditations of my heart and the words of my mouth,
Be pleasing in Your sight, Oh Lord,
Oh Lord, in Your mercy, hear my prayer.

Amen, and Amen