feeling down

There are times when I wonder what is going on in my life. I wonder where God is - how He can feel real one day, and utterly fictional the next. I wonder why one day I feel so down in the dumps, but after some time in prayer, I feel restored; but the next, when I go to pray, it feels like my prayers are like arrows stuck in the ceiling, and I still feel heavy and weighed down.

This is one of those nights - it's actually now the middle of the night, officially - and while I'm finally beginning to feel tired for bed, I'm wrestling with heavy pain in my heart. It's all sorts of crazy stuff - the pain of distance between me and my beloved family, strain from the distance, fallout with extended family, fear and anxiety, German Reading exam, and just a general burden of failure (or at least fear thereof).

What the freakin' heck ... I want to cry, I want to cry out to God - where are You?

This is the life of someone who is trying to be honest about his relationship with, his faith in the God whom he solidly, unequivocally believes created him and called him. This is the life of a guy who struggles with sin like everyone else, and who constantly wrestles with fear of failure, who wants to quit most times, but is probably more afraid of what quitting might mean - isn't that ironic? don't you think?

So I'm going to pray what might be the strangest prayer I've ever written out, but hey, who cares; after all, God has big shoulders ... do you? Can you handle it? Or are you able to join me in prayer?

Oh God, you are my God,
Even though I can't hear You, see You, taste or smell You,
I still cry out to You.

I have no other hope in this life,
But Christ who has redeemed me from death to life,
I still cry out to You.

I feel alone, very alone,
And it feels like You just leave me alone, very alone,
I still cry out to You.

I'm feeling stuck in the muck and mire,
And I'm waiting for Your strong hand to lift me out,
I still cry out to You.

You are my fortress and my rock,
who else but You have the words of life,
I still cry out to You.

Even though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death,
You are with me, Your rod and Your staff comfort me,
I still cry out to You.

I need to hear from You,
But I'm double-minded, and I doubt You'll talk to me,
I still cry out to You.

I am sad, and my heart weighs heavy within me,
Oh Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.
I still cry out to You.

May the meditations of my heart and the words of my mouth,
Be pleasing in Your sight, Oh Lord,
Oh Lord, in Your mercy, hear my prayer.

Amen, and Amen