9/11 thoughts

Here's my disclaimer: I honestly can't believe I'm writing on 9/11. I know it's probably the biggest national trauma since Pearl Harbor, but I personally would like to move on - not in a way that makes light of people's hurts and fears - but in a way that allows us to grow and be healed without having to rip off the emotional scab every year on this date. Okay, I said it. Now I have to show myself a hypocrite and add to all the rememberances and eulogies...

The reason I'm ultimately writing this entry is probably more due to unresolved angst and sadness over what happened five years ago then anything else. It was in my drive to seminary this morning, while listening to KWY that I heard the broadcast of the 9/11 ceremony from the WTC site, as well as KYW's regular updates about the 9/11 timeline (what was happening at what time five years ago today). There was the reading of names of those who died, the poem read by one 9/11 widow, and just wrestling with my own powerlessness as I turned on the TV that morning, becoming aware of what was going on.

Five years ago today, my wife took our oldest daughter to her first day of preschool for parent/child orientation only to be escorted home because she was feeling so feverish that she practically passed out. I was at home watching our youngest daughter and our newborn son when a teacher from the school brought them to the door. In trying to help my wife onto the sofa and keep our daughters preoccupied, I told the oldest to turn on the TV. It was then that I saw my first images of what had happened.

It was surreal. All I saw was a lone skyscraper surrounded by rising clouds of smoke. My wife and I were perplexed at what we were viewing. I remember saying that this looked like the WTC, but where was the other tower? It was then that we realized it was the WTC and something absolutely incredible had just happened. I immediately sent the girls up to our attic and turned on the TV to PBS, glad to find that they were continuing their children's programming (what a brilliant and good decision on the part of those producers - I thank God for their decision to not get caught up in the newsmedia frenzy!). Not long after, my wife and I sat in horror as we witnessed the second tower collapse.

This is what I really wanted to "talk" about. Again, another disclaimer: what I'm about to share is stupid, immature, and I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit it in a "public" forum, but here goes... As I watched what was going on, I wished I were Superman. I really thought that. I really wanted to be Superman. I was in tears wishing I could have run out the back door of our house, pull off my t-shirt to reveal the big 'S' on my costume, and fly north-east to Manhattan and stop this madness. I remember the replays the media showed of the planes slamming into each of the towers and just gasping. I remember hearing about (thank God the media thought first for once of not replaying the film over and over) people jumping in desperation from the higher floors to avoid being burned in the fires. My eyes were tear-filled, and all I could do was gasp. I felt so powerless. And I felt like I should have been able to do something. I actually felt guilty for not being able to do something. Isn't that strange?

As I listened to the radio this morning, I found myself still wishing I could have made a difference; wishing I could've taken to the sky and sped up to NYC faster than a locamotive. I still feel deeply saddened. And I wonder, still, God, why did you let this happen?

Was it a wake up call, that America needed to take you seriously? Was it punishment, as people like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson would have us believe, for allowing the sins of abortion and homosexuality to be public policy? Was it because you've hardened the hearts of people like Osama bin Laden? Or was it none of these things or all of them? And yet, Lord, you did let this event happen. And ultimately, we will not know the 'why's, but we can have compassion on those effected. And that is why I'm writing this down today. I pray God's grace and mercy, His loving kindness, and His healing touch for those, the few and the many, whose lives and understanding of the world is forever changed. May God have mercy on us all. That is why I write today. In Jesus' name.