understanding ourselves - understanding myself

Life is full of ups and downs. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to be able to observe that reality. I think when you work in the church that truth becomes a weekly if not daily occurance. Just over a week ago (from this entry), I was given a heads up that apparently two or more people had gone to my pastor to complain about me in some way, shape, or form. While none of those people has come to me directly to talk or confront me about how I've "sinned" against them (see Matthew 18), it was decided that there would be meetings with these people and others about perceptions of my performance, my attitude, my style of ministry.

I have to say, my gut reaction was not good. It's been a real sad experience, as I feel hurt, betrayed, and deeply saddened that anyone (someone from within the church) who had something against me would rather go and rip against me behind my back rather than come to me. The long and short of it is it's left me feeling really defensive, and even persecuted.

Yet, at the same time, I've also felt like my inner emotions have been way out of whack, too. While I'm obviously not happy about all of this, I was also feeling that the deeper, inner feelings were too strong. Why was this so? Yesterday, during my day off, in between translating greek sentences and making up study notes for new greek verb tenses, I made a simple and short prayer: "Lord, show me my heart, that I may understand myself."

If you know me, or you pray with any regularity, you know that prayers uttered are not always, and honestly from my experience, rarely answered within a few moments of praying. Yet, that is what happened. Within a few minutes of praying this, while it was still fresh in my mind, I felt the Lord had given me the answer.

What came to mind were images from my middle school and high school years. While I was in 6th grade, my mom remarried, to a fellow my friends came to "lovingly" refer to as Jabba the Hutt. Jabba was, as his "name" implies, an extremely obese fellow with a penchant for unlawful activities. The summer before my senior year in high school he was arrested for imbezelment, and then again arrested while I was in college. Again while I was in college he violated his parole, went "underground", and was later picked up on the other side of the country by the police after bouncing checks to a number of different people and places. You can imagine from all of this that he wasn't a kind person. He was not. And not a day went by that he and I didn't have some sort of clash, whereby he would find something about me, something I had done, or something he perceived I had done or should've done, and laid into me with a verbal assault to rival any drill sergeant's.

As I received the answer to my prayer, I realized that the root of my anxious and defensive feelings sank all the way to those memories, those moments of being blamed and accused of things that were of little importance or nonexistent. And I realized that my frustrations and resentment toward what's going on now is so strong because deep in my mind, I feel unjustly accused, and once more under assault from a critical spirit.

In coming to understand my self, I have come to a better place. I realize I don't have to listen to those old voices. I don't have to feel so vulnerable as I did when I was a young teenager. And I don't have to fear. People will say what they want about you, and they will believe what they want about you. I'm not going to fear because I know that God is in control, and that I have a clean conscience. There may be misunderstandings about something I've done or even said. Perhaps someone caught me on an off day and have been harboring ill feelings ever since. It's possible. At the same time, I don't have to buy into their perceptions of me.

I trust God. And I trust that the people who are listening to these accusations want the best for everyone, especially for God to be glorified. I pray that out of all of this, we all may be reconciled in Christ. That's something I feel good about. That's something I've come to understand about myself. Praise God!