The Future

The last time I wrote was Trinity's Decision Day. I prayerfully went through that day, and wondered what would happen regarding my application. Of course, I was also in thought regarding the upcoming weekend, because I had registered for Trinity's 'Taste of Trinity' open-house, and didn't want to show up and then find out I wasn't accepted - "awkward" redefined.

I emailed my Admissions Counselor the next day, asking if he could let me know due to the above mentioned issue. He called me after noon, and told me I got in. I got in! I was estatic. I cried. I praised God! I was so excited. Then my family and I went out to Trinity - even with three stops for gas and/or food, it only took us 15 hours - and I saw this place I had applied to.

I'm still processing it, I think. But I came away not knowing. I came away not underwhelmed, but not as excited as I was when I first heard word. Maybe it was because the open-house was aimed at MDiv and MA students, and not at PhD applicants. Maybe it was because the sky was grey and overcast the entire time we were there. I don't know. But I left Trinity with a good deal of 'hhhmmmmmm'. Maybe I was still hoping to hear from and get accepted to Durham; that somehow, they would award me a doctoral fellowship, and that all of that would be enough for my family and I to get along, and we would live in jolly ole England for three years, and I would have a grand time, and get a great teaching position somewhere exciting, and... and...

But I didn't get into Durham's PhD program - an email awaited me when I got home telling me I was not accepted, though they threw me the bone of being offered a position in their MA program, which could (COULD) lead to acceptance in their PhD program - and so I was very disappointed. That left me with disappointment (Durham), and feeling uncertain (Trinity).

So the future seems as grey as the sky outside today. And yet, I'm going to decide for Trinity, because in the end, I was accepted. I prayed about it when I applied there. I was excited at the chance to study under Kevin Vanhoozer - I still am (perhaps more on that later - but suffice it to say that meeting and talking with Dr. Vanhoozer was easily the highlight of my visit). And I think that in the end, it is the road that God is calling me to go down for this part of my journey.

I think that God is using this crossroads to confront me with the different person I am now. I am settled - perhaps to much so - for I not only have a wonderful wife, but three growing, healthy kids (who love the Lord), and a mortgage on a house I really like when it comes down to it. I am also scared, for I fear failure - perhaps even more so than I used to - and this is the big league, so failure could well spell the end. But God is confronting me with faith, hope, and love. Am I His disciple/follower? Do I have faith in Him? Is He my hope? Do I love Him? Do I trust He loves me? Yes to each question; though not at all to the depth that I think I should.

In the end, I have to go, because God is calling me. I have to go because I tell other people, other Christians, that God is as good as He says He is. And in the end, I am not a hypocrite. God has called me, and I have a part to play in the working out of His Kingdom. Who knows maybe twenty years from now, I will get to teach a student who will go on to do great and wonderful things for God's name. Then again, maybe I will just be faithful, teaching all of my students with great faith and wonder, and just being faithful to that call is all that God wants of me.

In the end, that's my future. To be faithful. May He find me so.

what do you think?