The Waiting is the Hardest Part

It's a cold day in February, and I'm in the final stages of sending the hard copies of papers and paperwork off to Durham U. in the UK to complete my application for Ph.D. studies in Systematic Theology there. I'm waiting for a couple of references, as well as printing out two papers to send along as well.

The challenge is the 'wait'. I am not a good wait-er. Patience is a fruit of the Spirit (appropriately enough, the King James Version calls it 'long-suffering'). Sometimes I wonder how I can be saved and still be so impatient. But I comfort myself remembering that my salvation is by God's grace so that I may not boast.

But that doesn't change the fact that I am waiting. I applied to Trinity Evangelical Divinity School back in January. I'll hear a decision on that one sometime in March. I'm feeling nervous about that one. Did I mention I also struggle with fear, too? How badly is my salvation in danger from that, I wonder? I have a hard time trusting God with the details of my life. No problem when it comes to the lives of others. But my own? Hmmmm. I'm still working my faith out with much fear and trembling. Again, I remember that my salvation is in God's hands, and that nothing can separate me from the love of God for me in Jesus Christ.

I need to get my post off to Durham before the end of the month. The I have to wait until early April (I think it's early, but it may be mid). And there, I have to wait as well. Wait. Wait. Wait. My worst insecurities whisper of my future defeats and disappointments. They want to convince me, before I've even received a rejection notice, that I'm not going to be accepted. Fortunately, God knew what he was doing when he brought me into marriage with Sarah. Her genuinely faithful and faith-filled optimism and trust-laden words encourage me, pretty much daily, to trust in God's sovereignty. And I wonder if I'm good enough. And she tells me God makes me good. and smart. and faithful and faith-filled.

In the meantime, I'm teaching at church on Wednesday nights. Organizing and teaching (most weeks) our Lenten devotions. This past week was our first gathering since Ash Wednesday. The weather was crappy most of the day, and so our turn out was a bit lower than expected (though it was nice to see the fifteen people that showed up!). But God is good, and the presence of His Holy Spirit was thick and powerful. When I preach and/or teach, I feel God's presence like no other way. When I'm up front proclaiming Christ, preaching or teaching, I feel God's pleasure (to paraphrase Eric Liddell). What I've taught are always things that I need to hear and/or remember for myself and my own faith walk. God is so good.

This week reminded me that Jesus' wilderness experience came after He was baptized. And that through that whole experience, even while He was cut-off from other people, He was not alone, for the Spirit was in and with Him. My baptism serves as both a reminder of who I am, and a means by which to overcome temptation and evil around me. I am not alone. I am not my own. Baptism helps me remember who I am, and whose I am. It serves as the conduit through which I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Through Christ, I can wait to hear from Trinity or from Durham. Through Christ, I can receive and accept notices of acceptance, or rejection. Through Christ, waiting may just be the hardest part.

How about you? What do you think?