The Beginning of the End

I'm sitting up in my monk's cell, back in IL after a whirl-wind trip back to Philly for a couple of weddings and a quick visit with my family. Both weddings involved former students of mine from NPC's youth group - the first I got to witness, and the second I was invited to give prayers as well as deliver the wedding homily. It was a real treat, and a great blessing to have been able to come home and see and participate in them both. And it was a real blessing to get to see my dearest bride and our kids.

But now we come to the end. Tomorrow marks the first day of the last week of this journey we call German. Our big translation projects are due tomorrow, and this coming Thursday, at 1 pm (CST) will mark the reason we've all gone through these past 8 plus weeks. Thursday's Reading Exam will show us how much we know, and how much we are desperately in need of knowing. I know there are many reasons why the Lord directed me to come out to Trinity for the summer, but I can't help feeling to some degree that if I don't pass this test, my summer away from my family will have been for naught. At the same time, I know that can do all things through Christ who gives me strength - in fact, I can fail this test through Christ who gives me strength - - - This is to say that if I don't pass, God will still give me His grace. In all honesty, however, I'd like to pass the Reading Exam.

And so I pray this prayer for myself and my brothers and sisters in Christ who have been working toward this great work ...

Almighty and Triune God, who gave humanity the gift of speech and the mind
to understand it, I thank You for all that You have taught us and given us these
past eight weeks in and out of class.

Now we are at the end of our time together studying the German language,
and we are in no less need of Your grace and your gifting.

For three things, I ask; for three things, I pray, that You would fill each
of us with Your peace, Your confidence, and Your competence.

May our attitudes and efforts bring You glory; may our comprehension and
translating show Your Spirit at work in us, both in our efforts and Yours.

And it is for Your glory I pray - be glorified in us, O LORD; be glorified in us.

LORD, in Your mercy, hear our prayers. In the name of Your Son, Jesus, whom with You and the Holy Spirit, be lifted up and glorified, now and forever. Amen.

feeling down

There are times when I wonder what is going on in my life. I wonder where God is - how He can feel real one day, and utterly fictional the next. I wonder why one day I feel so down in the dumps, but after some time in prayer, I feel restored; but the next, when I go to pray, it feels like my prayers are like arrows stuck in the ceiling, and I still feel heavy and weighed down.

This is one of those nights - it's actually now the middle of the night, officially - and while I'm finally beginning to feel tired for bed, I'm wrestling with heavy pain in my heart. It's all sorts of crazy stuff - the pain of distance between me and my beloved family, strain from the distance, fallout with extended family, fear and anxiety, German Reading exam, and just a general burden of failure (or at least fear thereof).

What the freakin' heck ... I want to cry, I want to cry out to God - where are You?

This is the life of someone who is trying to be honest about his relationship with, his faith in the God whom he solidly, unequivocally believes created him and called him. This is the life of a guy who struggles with sin like everyone else, and who constantly wrestles with fear of failure, who wants to quit most times, but is probably more afraid of what quitting might mean - isn't that ironic? don't you think?

So I'm going to pray what might be the strangest prayer I've ever written out, but hey, who cares; after all, God has big shoulders ... do you? Can you handle it? Or are you able to join me in prayer?

Oh God, you are my God,
Even though I can't hear You, see You, taste or smell You,
I still cry out to You.

I have no other hope in this life,
But Christ who has redeemed me from death to life,
I still cry out to You.

I feel alone, very alone,
And it feels like You just leave me alone, very alone,
I still cry out to You.

I'm feeling stuck in the muck and mire,
And I'm waiting for Your strong hand to lift me out,
I still cry out to You.

You are my fortress and my rock,
who else but You have the words of life,
I still cry out to You.

Even though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death,
You are with me, Your rod and Your staff comfort me,
I still cry out to You.

I need to hear from You,
But I'm double-minded, and I doubt You'll talk to me,
I still cry out to You.

I am sad, and my heart weighs heavy within me,
Oh Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.
I still cry out to You.

May the meditations of my heart and the words of my mouth,
Be pleasing in Your sight, Oh Lord,
Oh Lord, in Your mercy, hear my prayer.

Amen, and Amen

The Final Leg Begins Today

okay, not to be melodramatic, but today, Monday, July 28 marks the beginning of the final leg of German studies, Theological German 2. There are now only three weeks left to prepare for the much dreaded German Reading Exam for which I have separated myself for the better part of the summer months. All so that I may pass it and be able to get that point checked off on my prerequisites.

to this point I've done well. But the way we're being taught in class seems a bit different from how the Reading Exam will be conducted. I can't help shaking the feeling that I'm being well equipped for having tools to translate material after the fact, but that when it comes to the exam, I will not be so well prepared.

dear reader, if you are so disposed, please lift me up in prayer to the One who created me and knows me, who called me to undertake this work, this calling. Ask the Lord God to give me the knowledge, wisdom, and discernment to be able to effectively translate and comprehend enough of what I'm given in the Reading Exam to show that I should pass. The Reading Exam in August 14th.

Thank you, and may the Lord who created you in His image grant you all that you need this day to know Him, and to be able to do all that He has called you toward. God's blessings in Jesus' name!

Raging Against God?

The sermon in church yesterday was one I wish we heard more often, in that it tackled a more difficult passage in Scripture. Too many sermons address passages that the preacher likes, or make people feel good. But yesterday, I heard a message based on Jeremiah 20, where the prophet seems to lash out against God, feeling deceived and manipulated into serving as God's prophet, carrying a most unpopular message to the hard-hearted people of Israel. The preacher's message could be summed up by saying that the lament is form of prayer that we need to use more often. On top of that, he said that we can rage against God - we can scream at Him, hammer at Him - and He can handle it. The sin, this fellow offered, comes when, in our anger, we turn away from God.

Today's electronic devotional reading from Scripture Union UK was on Ruth 1. They pointed out the frustration and anger that Naomi put on God for the loss of her husband and her two sons. And yet God blessed her; in spite of her negative feelings toward Him.

I am reminded once again that my prayers to God can share my anger and my disappointments; that my prayers do not have to be sterile and full of fake praise from a heart that is turned off. God would rather have me rage against Him than speak words that are false. And yet, it is through prayerful honesty with God that we can somehow still praise Him, and see Him for who He is, even as we still struggle with faith and trust. It seems paradoxical, but it is merely the dialectical tension of true, living faith. And so, this is my prayer to the Lord, whom I love, whom I am struggling with as I go through a number of personal disappointments and hurts ...

O Lord God, hear my prayers. I feel alone, cut off from my people and my land.
My heart burns for all the things that have happened to my family and to myself.
And yet I continue to trust You. I continue to pray to You.
But what has that gotten me? What has changed?

Have the broken been restored? Have their hurts been healed?
Do You hear the cries of Your daughters and sons?
What is Your purpose? Where is Your glory?
What would You have us do? How much more are we in need of trusting You?

And yet I will trust You, O Lord. For whom else do I have to trust?
To whom else can I turn? For I know that You ways are not my ways.
Your hand moves in ways that I cannot fathom until it has brought about Your will.
Even in the midst of danger, You are our shield. Even in the moment of our despair, You are our hope.

I will cry out, I will weep, but I will also call on You.
I will continue to sing Your praises. For there is no other hope in this world.
There is no other god, but You, O Lord, my God.
May I bring You glory; even as I weep and question, even as I struggle to have faith.
May my tears and sobs, may my questions and doubts, all serve Your purposes in growing me to be a man after Your own heart.

To You be all glory, laud, and honor, to You, O Christ, my Redeemer King! Amen.

praying

Every Christian wants to believe in their heart that God's got a plan for dealing with tragedy, one that will surprise the "experts", one that will demonstrate God's power and might. This is our hope when tragedy is no longer a term bandied around on the evening news, when it becomes personal, striking someone we know, someone we love.

But God is not a "rabbit's foot", to be pulled out of our pockets and rubbed when we are desperate for a "change of luck". God is not someone we can will to power, no matter how "good" a person we are, no matter how "good" the person is whom we love and care about. He will not be manipulated, no matter how "righteous" our cause.

God is sovereign. His purposes are both eternal and mysterious. Of course we like it when His actions either spare us or bring about something that is seemingly advantageous to us, or something we had been asking for. But the opposite seems to be something we don't want to think about, as we can get upset, sad, or perhaps even "lose" our faith when God lets us down, especially when life or love is on the line.

And we come to a fork in the road. We are standing here at a crossroads.

While I was going through email and just enjoying a morning off from my German class, I had iTunes playing. Thoughts and prayers were in and out of my mind. And then It Is Well With My Soul was in the background, the foreground, both convicting me and uplifting me. Even now tears burn, my breath sometimes convulsing from random sobs as I feel the Spirit of the Living God leading me, inviting me, calling me to choose this day faith and life.

I don't smile. I don't break into songs of praise and joy. I weep. My eyesight is fuzzy from more tears. And yet, I choose faith and life. I hear the words, and I know them. I know they can be, are even meant to be sung with tears in one's eyes. These words allow for their interruption from sobs so deep only the Spirit knows how deep their pain and disappointment run.

And yet, these words carry a message. They aren't magic in and of themselves. But they are messengers of a sort. They carry a message from the God who has not forgotten Emily, her parents, or our prayers.

I don't know what God is doing or going to do. I still pray for a miracle. But I still cry and cry out. It hurts me to know that family members hurt even more deeply than I do. It hurts me because I cannot do anything to change this situation or bring about a miracle.

But I can pray. And I pray and sing these words as I walk the path of faith and life with my Savior ...

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Refrain: It is well with my soul, it is well,
it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
let this blest assurance control,
that Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
and hath shed his own blood for my soul.

(Refrain)

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

(Refrain)

And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
the clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
even so, it is well with my soul.

(Refrain)